Approach to Processing Hidden and Conscious Anger
By John A. McMullin, H.C.
is an emotion from our ego that is used to express fear.
Although we project anger onto others, the issue is about
the shame we feel about ourselves and is polarized around the
illusion we are not enough.
Anger is a control drama expressed aggressively as
intimidation or interrogation and passively as aloofness or poor
me-ism. Anger is
often the expression of the adult child who feels shame of self,
blame of others and guilt from others.
The process of resolution of the hidden anger is truly a
journey of finding the hidden shame.
That is the reason why we deflect our shame as anger and
that’s why we are rarely upset about what we think we’re
A Letter of Forgiveness
Step 1The first step in processing anger is to find the old anger that we hold onto to give us the illusion of feeling safe and valued. This old anger is called resentment and while it gives us the illusion of feeling safe and valued, resentment also blocks our ability to feel our true feelings and live a functional life of loving and allowing ourselves to be loved.
process by writing a letter to another person to whom you have
been intensely resentful.
Discover for yourself what resentment feels like and what
part of your ego benefits by holding onto resentment.
Express why you are still resentful about your
perceptions of their behavior and notice what it feels like to
get in touch with that resentment.
Remember, resentment gives us the illusion of
feeling safe and/or valued.
Step 2 of
writing your letter is to express why you still feel anger when
you think about this person.
Write down the angry thoughts you still hold, then
discover why you are still holding onto the anger and how that
benefits parts of your ego to keep that anger.
Do you remember how anger was familiar in your childhood?
is to convert all of the angry thoughts into fearful thoughts
and identify how they threaten you.
As you feel your fear, notice if you can find any shame
about feeling fear. We become stuck when we’re afraid to be
is to identify how that fear has hurt you and has wounded
various parts including the emotional, mental physical,
spiritual, and intuitive parts.
Ask yourself “Am I still hurt?”
Also allow yourself to discover how your anger creates
shame and your shame creates denial and denial creates fear that
lets you become angry once again.
is about identifying your sadness from the illusion of
loss. Your sadness of losing the joyful parts of your
life because you have carried so much anger.
Ask yourself if you can find the hidden shame of not
being enough and somehow owing the shame of causing other people
to become angry with you. Do we teach people how to treat us?
is the step of forgiveness of self that allows for the process
of forgiving another. Forgiveness
is understanding that nothing was lost.
Forgiveness is an awareness of how we allowed the anger
of another person to create fear (anger) within ourselves.
Forgiveness is acknowledging the other person as our
teacher so that we can understand how we played out the 50/50
teeter-totter ego need with another human.
Forgiveness is also understanding that it is impossible
to have more intense anger with another person than they had
with us because our fear was their fear.
Forgiveness is understanding without surrendering our own
values and therefore our healthy limits and boundaries.
Forgiveness is understanding, not approving.
is about expressing gratitude for the lessons learned along the
path of growing wisdom from the experience of anger.
Allow your self to write down as many lessons that you
perceive and that you have learned from this experience.
Anger can be a powerful motivator.
What makes anger paralyzing is when we’re angry about
allows for celebration by sharing the lessons you learned with
the person you were angry with or with other people.
includes writing yourself a letter from the other person you
used to hold anger with. Allow them to express their
acknowledgement our your letter written to them and let them
express their point of view about the lessons they have also
learned from your sacrifice of carrying old resentment.
Notice how it feels to write this letter from them to
you. There are many
benefits to reading this letter out loud to others.
the resentment turns to anger, anger to fear, fear to hurt, hurt
to sadness, sadness to acknowledgement, acknowledgement to
understanding and understanding to gratitude, then we can
celebrate the Journey of Wisdom and bring closure to the anger
drama within ourselves that we have projected onto other people
or vice versa.
Holistic Coaching Institute